Writing as therapy

When I get bad news, my immediate reflex is to begin writing. That's my way to cope with things that are hard to express. I've always been better in writing down what I think than actually saying it. Also, when you look back on what you wrote, it all looks less grim.

When I was studying languages way back (began in 1974 and ended up with my Master's degree in 1978) one of the profs once mentioned I had a flair for psychology. Also my editor says I've good psychological insight in my characters. So right now I'm doing some self-psych-session.

I got bad news yesterday. On May 19th I had a CT-scan taken of the abdomen. The doctor had ordered it because she wanted to have a clear insight of what was wrong with me. Those who read my blog will remember I wrote about spotting a swelling at the base of my throat (combined with finding out I have diabetes). For that cyste, various echoes and scans were taken. The good news it that the cyste is harmless, but the bad news is they've found a mass near my right kidney. This could - or couldn't - be cancer. I now have an appointment with another surgeon who will discuss the case with me. Most likely they will cut away the mass, and then send it to the lab. Depending on the outcome, treatment will follow (if it's still possible). Cancer of the kidney doesn't correstpond well with chemotherapy.

My biggest worry is about my sister. I've always assumed she'd go before me and that wouldn't be a bad thing. I am better suited to be all alone. She won't be able to cope, as I can already tell from her reaction yesterday. She already sees me buried. I try to remain positive. And if this the end, then I can look back on a nice life.